Shh, it's a secret

I was at the doctor with my son this weekend, don't worry he's on the mend, and I read an article in a parenting magazine.  I know I shouldn't do this but it always makes me smile.  I am sure that these people that write these magazines mean well, they are probably really trying to help people, they are also trying to sell magazines.  I'm sure that the marketing department would get upset if they were brutally honest in these magazines.  The article I read was titled "Common Causes of Stress for New Parents".  I'm sure that many of their points were valid, however they left some stuff out.  I'm sure that it's stuff they couldn't write about because it doesn't really sell magazines, but as I sat there reading the article I was rewriting it in my head, so here's my article.

Why Parenting is Frickin Hard (Mom, don't say frickin!)

When you first bring home your wrinkled, crying bundle of joy you will probably start to feel overwhelmed within the first week.  You will ask yourself many things such as "Is he eating enough?  Are these diapers the right size for her?  Is he too hot?  Why is she crying now?  Did I get a boy or a girl?" among others.  Some of these questions you will be able to answer during daylight hours after about three consecutive hours of sleep, some you may never answer.  Also, your concerns and questions will depend on how you came about acquiring your child.  If you had a nice regular labor and delivery you will have hormones in your body that you don't want and you will be filled with alternating urges to laugh, cry, scream, and giggle.  If you had an emergency c-section you might be questioning yourself, your doctor, and all your previous decisions while also thanking everyone and everything that your baby is alive.  If you had a scheduled c-section you are probably right there with the emergency ones, only your calendar might not be so messed up.  If you adopted you are probably feeling immense pleasure that this one baby was created just for you to love. While you stare at their perfect features wondering how you came to be so blessed as to be the parent of this miracle you are starting to wonder if you knew what you were doing when you signed those papers.  Don't worry, they say, you'll figure it out. 

Here's a news flash, no matter how you became a parent you will, if you are any good at all, question your sanity.  You will also feel as though you are making a mistake.  Sometimes you will cry, not because you did something wrong, but often because you did something right.  You will argue with people you love because you are tired, you will argue with people you don't know because you love your child.  It's all normal.  This creature that just took over your life is worth it.  They will cause you stress you never imagined.  Stress is caused by lack of sleep, questioning your abilities and decisions, changes you made to your life to allow this creature to take over your house and your heart, and changes in your relationships with others.  Some of these stress inducing changes you saw coming, some will hit you on the side of the head like a two by four.  When they surprise you they will be harder to overcome.  You will often feel overwhelmed and that's normal too.  If you have any extenuating circumstances you will feel all alone because you will be sure that no one else is going through what you are going through.  HAHAHA.  Ok, I'm done laughing at you now, but lately I've heard it all.  "No one knows what it's like to have an illness with a newborn."  "No one knows what it's like to have constant chronic pain and not be able to nurse or rock my baby."  "No one knows how sad I am that my husband is so far away and missing these first months with our son."  "No one knows what it's like to have this happen, this wasn't my plan."  "I didn't really plan to have this child, it wasn't in the schedule right now."  "No one knows how tired I am, I feel as though I'll never be myself again."  You are not alone.  Someone somewhere is saying the exact same thing.  Right, so we've established that you aren't alone.  It will not be easy to talk to others about your troubles, even if they are having the exact same ones because you will be busy trying to be the best parent you can be.  That's ok too.  Take time to breathe and realize that the main cause of stress for most good parents is the fear that if they mess up they aren't just messing up their life they are messing up the lives of their children.  Now realize that if this is your fear you are a good parent.

Why is parenting so fricken (Mom don't say fricken) hard?  The real reason is because we want to do the best we can and there's no way to know if we are doing it.  In school we get grades and there are right answers.  There's no grade for parents, there are also very few right answers.  You try, you know you all do, you compare your children to those of your friends.  You try to figure out if your son is better behaved than the one at the next table. You listen to parents in the public bathroom to see if their child is potty trained before or after yours.  You ask perfect strangers leading questions to see if your children are superior to theirs.  "So, how's your baby sleeping?"  As though you could somehow determine that you are doing a good job.  Don't worry in about 20-30 years you might know if you did something right or wrong.  Doesn't that help?

Here's the real answer to whether or not you are doing it right.  Does your child know, deep down, that you love them?  Do you make a decision based on whether or not it's the best for your child?  Do you honestly try your best to show love to your little one every time you are together?  Then you are doing something right.  Let the stress go so that it doesn't get in the way of loving your miracle.  Easier said than done huh?  Yep.  It is hard to do, it's also worth trying to do.  The laundry and the dishes will always be there, those little two legged mess-makers will leave someday, if you are a good parent, and you will not be able to hug them every morning or every night.  Hug first.  As my six year old reminded me, "Hugs are the only thing that when you give one you get one at the same time!"  She's a genius and I'm sure it's not my fault!

Now stop crying and go hug the wee one and the not so wee one and don't worry so darn much.  (Mom, don't say darn!)