Since I've become a Mom I find myself saying things that aren't exactly what I mean. I mostly mean them, but not quite. Here's the secret code to what I say and what I mean.
1. "Oh, Thank you! It's my favorite."
What I mean: "Thank you, I might one day need to eat the pasta on this necklace so I will wear it often, especially when I might be stranded away from a restaurant for an extended length of time. You are my child and I love you."
2. "You have seconds, I'm not that hungry."
What I mean: "If I'm hungry after dinner I can find my own snack, if you are hungry after dinner you will whine and cry until I magically decipher the mystery food you are willing to eat that I am also willing to have you eat ten minutes before bed. So, since you are actually eating this, chow down! Also, you are my husband and I love you."
3. "How many times have I told you?"
What I mean: "I feel as though I've said this before but in my exhausted state I can't remember so if it's more than two or three you better just do what I say because I'm really tired and I want to be done disciplining you so I can go to sleep."
4. "How do I look?"
What I mean: "Is there any glaringly obvious stain that a blind person might notice in some embarrassing location on my clothes? Specifically check for hand prints on my butt please."
5. "I'm sorry I didn't get to that today. I will try again tomorrow."
What I mean: "While I was cleaning the floor for the fourth time in the same location while someone was sitting on my leg I realized that you had asked me to do the one thing that is almost impossible to do with four children in the house. That's right, make a phone call. So, instead of somehow managing to put them all in a padded playpen big enough for an eight year old and somehow making sure that they can't touch each other even though they all apparently have Elastagirl's super powers, I chose to not call the company with voice recognition software that puts me on hold an average of 45 minutes every time I call. Can you please do it? I'll give you a million dollars."
6. "I'll give you a million dollars."
What I mean: "I don't ask for help often, but if I make you laugh you might forget that you don't want to help me and decide that it might be a good idea to help me. Plus if I had a million dollars it would be yours."
7. "Is this clean or dirty?"
What I mean: "I wash the laundry, I fold the laundry, I put the laundry away, I will not also go around the house picking up the dirty laundry. News flash, there is enough dirty laundry in the proper place that I can actually wash two loads a day for about two weeks without looking for more. If you can't put it away, I can't wash it." My children are learning this one.
8. "Dinner is ready."
What I mean: "Set the table, sit down, and prepare to eat. Don't whine and say it's disgusting, don't look at me like I have two heads. EAT THE FOOD I MADE! And, clear your dishes when you are finished, thank you." My children are learning this one too.
9. "I'm going to bed."
What I mean: "I'm tired, I can't do any more tonight. I am falling asleep at the sink and I'm pretty sure I'll be washing these pans again in the morning because they aren't really clean. You can ask me for something but I am not very useful now, I'm going to bed to sleep. Good night my dears." Some people will likely never learn this one.
10. "What were you thinking?"
What I mean: "Wait just a minute while I try to figure out whether to laugh hysterically or cry uncontrollably. I'm not sure which one this warrants. I also know that I have to punish you but basically I have a feeling that the consequences of what you did might be self-limiting. I do remember that I am the parent and as such need to correct your bizarre behavior so wait while I come up with something suitable that isn't too hard to implement."
I'm sure I'll have more as the children grow up, but for now I think I shall document this so that when my children are older and in therapy they can read this and understand what I was trying to tell them.
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