Things I would have done today if I were still five or six years old

I sometimes wish I'd never grown up.  Here are the things I would have done today if I weren't a grown-up.

1. I would have asked to use the cool new pencil, even though my old one still works well.
2. I would have walked right by the pile of laundry to fold, because I would have been imagining I were a fairy princess who wears flower petals instead of clothes.
3. I would have eaten the last slice of pizza, without sharing, because I wanted it.
4. I would have watched the snow flakes fall outside instead of worrying about someone driving in the coming storm.
5. I would have had chocolate milk with dinner.
6. I would have worn my pjs all day because it was cold.
7. I would have drawn pictures on every page of my school work, just to make it prettier.
8. I would have asked for a hug from my Mom, even if I was in the bath and soaking wet.
9. I would have drawn a lady bug on my toe because it belonged there.
10. I would have been excited about using a new toothbrush.

I would have done all these things, so I can't really fault my children for doing them.  Sometimes I need to remember that I would do it, if I could, or if I'd thought of it first.

Making a phone call

Here is how my husband makes a phone call. 

He says something like "I'm making a phone call."  Then he goes in a different room or outside and he makes a phone call and he talks to the other person on the phone and he concludes his phone business.  He returns to the house and he's happy because he made a phone call.

Here is how I make a phone call.

I say "I need to make a phone call."

At this point any of the following are possible:
 
I dial the phone, no one answers, I leave a message like this:
"Hi, I'm just calling to see what you wanted to do on Tuesday.  NO!  I don't want you touching that! So, if you could give me a call back when you get a chance.  What!  Why did you do that?  Now he's bleeding!  That would be great."

I dial the phone, the person answers, and I have a conversation like this:
"Hi, what time is the dinner?  Can't you see I'm on the phone!  Wait a minute.  Do you need me to bring anything?  Ahh, really?  On the floor?  Could you send me an email please, I have to go clean the floor before they get hurt."

I call a company with voice recognition software and this happens:

Pleasant lady with superficially always calm voice:  "Please tell me why you are calling today."
Calm me: "Billing address"
Pleasant lady: "Did you say balance?"
Calm, slightly annoyed me: "No."
Pleasant lady: "Please tell me why you are calling today.  You can say, billing, current balance, past balance, or information on new account."
Calm, slightly annoyed, but still hopeful me: "Billing address"
Pleasant lady: "Did you say new account?"
Calm and slightly baffled me: "No."
Pleasant lady:  "Please tell me why you are calling today."
Calm but getting frustrated me: "Billing address."
Pleasant lady: "Did you say Billing?"
Happy me: "YES!"
Pleasant lady: "Your next billing cycle will begin on November twenty-first.  You have a balance of zero dollars.  Would you like to hear this information again?"
Frustrated me: "No."
Pleasant lady: "Is there something else I can help you with?"
Hopeful me: "Change billing address."
Pleasant lady:  "Did you say  "Open charge account"?"
Frustrated me: "No."
Pleasant lady: "Please try again, is there something else I can help you with today?"
Hopeful me: "Representative."
Pleasant lady: "I'm sorry you are having trouble, is there something I can help you with today?"
Frustrated me: "Representative!"
Pleasant lady: "I am having trouble understanding you.  Please try again."
Frustrated but undeterred me: "Representative!"
Pleasant lady: "I can not understand your request, please try again later."  Click.
Grumbling me: "Really!?"
My happy, noisy, helpful one-year-old: "Billing, representative."
Amused me: "At least someone understood me."



I decide to do things his way.  I take the phone into the garage, I make a phone call.  I complete the phone call, having had a lovely conversation, I return to the house.  I find everyone running around with yogurt in their hair.  I don't want to know so I don't even ask.  Everyone takes a bath, I clean the floor.  My husband comes home to find a clean floor and clean children.  He says "Why did they take baths this afternoon?"  I say "I had to make a phone call."

Super Powers

It seems that every few months we get an illness in the house.  I guess it's from the fact that we leave the house and touch things.  I guess we have to keep doing this, although lately I am against it.  This time it was a short but nasty stomach bug.  Every time an illness enters the house we have the same conversation, it goes something like this...

Me: I'm tired.
My husband: Aren't you always tired?
Me: Yes, but now I think I'm ill too.
My husband: Hmm, but can you take care of the little one who is also ill?
Me: Can you help?
My husband: Yes, until there is a mess, I don't have mutant powers to clean up sick messes without also becoming sick.  You are Wonder-Cleaning Woman.
Me: Not the super power I would have chosen if I could have chosen a super power.

Luckily this time there were only two little ones making messes at any given time so it was easier to keep things clean than if three or four had been making the messes.  It also helped a lot that my husband, who was also ill, helped watch the smallest all day so that I could make sure the rest got where they needed to go.  While I was cleaning the house at midnight I thought about some super-powers I would rather have...

1. Elasta-girl, you know you all want this one.  So that when I'm sitting on the couch with a crying child I can still reach the ice pack in the freezer, the band-aides, or my caffeine.

2. Time freezing power.  Imagine how clean I could make the house if they would just stop for a minute or thirty.

3. Teleportation, not necessarily of myself, although that would be cool too, but of stuff.  Imagine you are somewhere and your child says those words "I forgot my..." Poof!! There it is, yeah Mommy!  I'm thinking that would rock.

4. Mind reading.  Limited of course, there are many people that I interact with and I just don't want to know what they are thinking.  My children on the other hand, I want to know what they are thinking before they do something ridiculous.  That way maybe I can do a better job of stopping messes before they occur.

5.  Super-human strength.  I'm thinking of those times when I really only want to make one trip in from the car but I have two sleeping children and four gallons of milk to bring in.  If I had super-human strength I could just make one trip and get in bed so much sooner.

Happy super-power dreaming.  Which one do you want?

A New Way to Shop

Lately I've been using my limited computer time, without a lap baby, to shop.  My husband and I sat down and budgeted our household purchases and noticed that we were spending lots of time, money, and gasoline to purchase everyday items.  I spent about 15 dollars per month just driving to the store to buy things.  This doesn't include my time actually buying them, or the pain and suffering I go through to shop with four children, or the incidentals that I have to buy to keep said children from killing each other.  As we all know, no mother in human history has entered a Target with the intention of purchasing what is on her list and actually walked out with only what is on her list.  It's humanly impossible to do, and if you can do it once, impossible to repeat.  With these considerations in mind I started looking at options for obtaining things that we use frequently without leaving my house.  I'd done this a few years ago when I was on partial bed rest with my second pregnancy and I found that there weren't many options, everything required huge quantities and the cost of shipping was crazy and I gave up.  I wasn't hopeful this time around, but I thought that maybe times had changed so I started looking with hope.  I came across Amazon Save and Subscribe.  I'm sure that I am way behind the times and that most people have probably looked into this before me as I am not very tech savvy.  Here's what I found.  I'm sure everyone would see slightly different results because no one buys exactly what I buy but the prices were either slightly more, the same, or WAY less than I pay at the store.  The selection of brands and quantities was much better and I found what I used to go to three different stores for in one location.  We started our save and subscribe last month and here's why I'm going to keep doing it.

1. It saves me money.  I have to pay the $80/year Amazon prime fee but I didn't drive to the store, that's a savings of $8 per month.

2.  I don't have to hold my children by the hair while I read labels.

3.  No need to wear clean jeans, I can shop in my pj's with a nice cup of tea.

4.  There are more brands than two available for an item.

5.  The UPS guy delivered my toilet paper to my front door, I didn't have to put it on my cart, put it in my car, and take it to my house.

6.  Things come in really big boxes that my children love to play in and then I recycled.  It's actually less packaging than if I made more trips to the store and had all those shopping bags.

7.  My children can't talk me into buying anything because they don't know I'm shopping.

8.  I don't have to talk to people.  Yes, I might be slightly anti-social to strangers, they sometimes touch me or my children.  I am not ok with that.

9.  There are no free samples of food items that I would never actually let my children eat if they couldn't see them.

10.  Did I mention that the Amazon website is open all the time, I don't have to waste daylight hours shopping.

All of this took some time to set up and you have to figure out your recurring schedule, that might need adjusting later, but it was worth it.  The no shopping for the last few weeks let me spend time keeping my house cleaner and I actually managed to go two days without doing laundry.  Also I heard an awesome joke from my second...

Where do cows live?

wait for it,

in Cowafornia!

So, in order to stay sane I'm having most of my groceries, non-perishables of course, delivered to my house by the nice UPS man. My children think it's great, they get new boxes with every delivery.  Now to see if I can get rid of some of their other toys...

Autumn

My children and I were discussing the coming autumn season and I asked them what they liked about it.  Here are some of their answers just because you needed to know.

1. I like that it is not so hot so now I can wear my pretty sweater.

2. I like pumpkins.

3. I like to crunch the brown leaves.  Can we have a tree with leaves?

4. It means that it's going to snow soon, I want to go skiing.

5. Hockey games are starting.

6. I like that the cockroaches go away.

7. I like Christmas lights.

8. Do you think that the trees feel bad that they are naked?

Now you know, if you were also concerned about the trees' feelings you are not alone.  May you enjoy the nice weather wherever you are.  I happen to like the cooler weather and the changing leaves and the pumpkin flavored everything.  I just never knew my children so agreed with me. 

Done today status updates

Now that we are getting near to the holiday season and people are feeling crafty I've been struck by how many of my friends on Facebook are awesome.  I mean this in a good way, and most days I read their status updates and think "Wow, you are awesome." but lately I'm getting frustrated.  When you read a status update like this:

Wow, what a morning, I saved three baby endangered birds, fed the homeless, and stopped world war three.  I finished the laundry, the dishes, and dinner is almost ready, complete with pie and fresh bread I baked myself.  Hoping I can win a Nobel Prize this afternoon so that I can use the money to save the baby seals.  Smiles!!

You start by thinking, "well good for her, I am so happy people like her exist."  You end up thinking "What the @#$%!  All I've managed to do today is crawl out of bed and inject myself with caffeine."  You've all had this happen, you know you have.  Forty years ago you would have had to listen to this lady tell you how wonderful she was over a cup of tea and you could have gotten the satisfaction of at least imagining you could throw your cup of tea in her lap.  Today, you have to also watch her pin really cute creative things on her pinterest wall while you try to find the right end of the band aid to open because you tried to cut paper with scissors.  Now in all honesty, I am usually very much a do-it-yourself kind of person, I try to be handy and I like to build things and make things.  In all reality though, I have a long list each day that I only occasionally finish, so I want to share with you my new response to these posts.  It will help you remain calm and sane.  You don't have to share it with others or even let them know you are doing it but it will help.  When you see that one of your awesome friends has solved world hunger in less than an hour choose one of these status updates that you've totally accomplished, you can post them in your status, or just know that you did something important. 

Here they are,

1.  I fed people today, they ate it, and it was good.

2.  Someone learned something because of me.

3.  No one needed a band-aid or a trip to ER, because I intervened.

4.  I found the funny in what someone else was saying and I enjoyed it.

5.  I didn't finish the dishes because we finished reading the book together.

6.  I stopped folding the laundry so that I could color a picture with my growing up too fast child.  Yes, the horse was blue and green, those are nice colors too.

7.  I won the tickle fight!  (This one usually requires an exclamation point.)

8.  I had lunch on a blanket with a stuffed animal in a dress, I don't know which was yummier, the sandwich I imagined was mermaid food or the water that I pretended was honey and milk because that's what the unicorns drink.

9.  I wrote down what my cuties said today so that when they are gone tomorrow I can remember how they once were and remind them of the dreams they once dreamed.  That way when life discourages them I can lift them up a little.

10.  I laughed.

11.  I totally enjoyed my dessert.

12.  I fought entropy!  (You might lose, but never stop fighting and calling it by it's true name helps too.)

13.  I spent time noticing something natural growing around me.

14.  I completely thought about spending time exercising.

15.  I fell asleep after kissing my happy, healthy, slightly smudged children who still let me hug them goodnight.

If you do some of these every day, then when you see a new post from your friend you can post one of your own.  Now, go forth and accomplish!

How many can you answer?

I told my husband that my children were asking more involved questions lately, that they no longer just asked why.  I said that some of them were tough for me to answer. He thought I was joking, so I've written down their questions this week. It's only Wednesday morning but here's what I've got so far.

1.  What day of the week will the world end on?
2.  Do pteranodons have tongues?
3.  Where is Radiator Springs really?
4.  What does stupid fried mean?  (He meant stupify)
5.  If you were a mouse would you eat these crumbs?
6.  Did they have cars back in the olden days, before TV?
7.  Who invented the zipper and how many iterations did it take?  (She loves the word iteration)
8.  Why is the diesel engine louder than a regular engine?
9.  Why does my left arm never fall asleep?
10.  Why do they say "go to sleep" when you are supposed to be still?

I'm sure I'll have more this week, but I thought I would share so you can all ponder instead of doing what you need to do for the rest of the day.

What I'm Learning From My Big Toddler

My son is seventeen months old and he's been teaching me some valuable life lessons.  There is a reason we call this one Yoda, he's wise beyond his months.  I'm sharing so that his wisdom will be a gift to you too.

1.  It really is ok to run EVERYWHERE, but laugh while you do it and don't stick out your tongue.

2.  When you fall while running, which you may do, say "Uh-Oh" while laughing, this makes people respond to your laugh instead of laughing at your fall.

3.  Stop what you are doing for airplanes in the sky and cool cars that drive by.  Enjoy watching them.

4.  Push the buttons on the printer and the remote with enthusiasm, don't push people's buttons, that's not nice.

5.  When you do something right it's ok to tell yourself that you did a good job.  It's also ok to tell everyone else.

6.  When you need help ask nicely, always say please instead of screaming.

7.  It's ok to make a mess with your food, share your mess with others so they can have the joy of washing.

8.  Consider the day a success if you've had the opportunity to take more than one bath in the same day, preferably in the same hour, this means that your hair may not dry fully.  That is ok too.

9.  Be confident in how you look.  Don't bother wasting time combing your hair or matching your clothes, a good smile will make others think you are cute in your current state.

10.  Sometimes the best thing to do is to dance around in a circle and strike a pose, often with a leg or arm in the air.  This tactic seems silly but can actually diffuse many troublesome situations.


See, I told you he was wise...

grammar lesson humor

Before you call the psychiatrist and social services, please remember that she is a comedian who wanted to finish school as quickly as possible with minimal effort.  This totally worked.

The results of vacation

We had a lovely two week vacation that cost more than we were planning and was more fun that we thought it would be.  I think that was about normal.  I was going to write about it because it was fun and the tow truck ride was an adrenaline rush; but I think I'm going to write about the aftermath, because it's more amusing and won't make you jealous.  

When we were on vacation my husband and I decided to make a serious effort to focus on each other and our children and really spend time as a family.  We did evil parenting things like making our children talk to us for half an hour between movies on the days we drove.  We included them in deciding the activities for the day.  When we had things go differently than planned we included them in the decisions about how to get back on track.  We discussed ways to spend more time with them and how fast they are growing up. We really enjoyed getting to know our children and each other again.  Then we got home...

When we got home we realized that our youngest, whom I shall now refer to as Yoda, had a stomach bug and we needed to take him to the doctor and get stool samples.  Then we tried to start school and clean up the rv and do all the laundry and the dishes and deal with the two weeks of produce from the garden.  While I was contemplating how to duct tape a plastic bag on Yoda's rear to catch the explosive exhaust (don't call child protective services I didn't actually do it) as I held him over the toilet for two hours, I thought that none of those articles about cherishing your children, keeping your house clean with one daily chore, and teaching your children Latin so they can take over the dental industry really understand what day to day parenting really requires.

This morning as I cleaned the nasty, slightly moldy lint trap in the washer, that requires the removal of three star-drive screws to access, I realized that there's no getting around the yucky jobs when you are a parent.  My children may never take over the dental world, or take on the high stakes offices on Wall Street or be stars on Broadway, or however else you define success, but they will never see me shirk my duty as their mother.  I hope they learn something valuable from watching me clean up the projectile vomit that has become a rather regular routine recently.  I hope they learn that I love them, lots and lots, not just a little, and not just when they are clean and healthy, but all the time.  I hope they learn how to love others under the same conditions.  People are really actually quite yucky, we have all kinds of dirt, we have to love each other through all of that dirt.


So am I a failing mother because I forgot all those "one chore a day to a clean house" tips and my house is a complete mess because I spend four hours a day helping Yoda go to the potty so he can run away screaming "boy potty!"  Nope, not going to claim it.  I've been thinking about the good old days, you know when we thought we were just as good as all the other parents because our kids had clothes and food.  I'm talking about the times when you were expected to keep your children alive, teach them right from wrong, make sure they mostly wore shoes in the winter, and ate food.  Before self-help books that tell you how every word you utter is making your child guilty, depressed, self-conscious, or causing them to feel inadequate.  Don't worry they will be millionaires because you made sure they knew their times tables at age 3, so they can afford therapy later.  

Seriously, I learned a great many things from my vacation.

1.  I need to put my phone, book, and child down.  I need to talk to my husband more, he is a really awesome guy and I need to do fun things with him, not just dinner and a movie twice a year.

2.  We need a smaller house.  I don't need an entertainment room and a toy room and a workshop, I need to get outside and take my children to new places so they can be entertained and play in the world.  A workshop would be awesome though.

3.  I don't need new ways to store my injection molded Chinese plastic, I need less injection molded Chinese plastic.  My children played with rocks, sticks, and logs for a week and cried when we left them.  I am not buying them another toy EVER!

4.  My children are smart and fun and I don't need to worry about whether they are reading or writing at grade level.  I need to teach them to learn because it's fun, not because there will be a test at the end of the week.

5.  I will say and do the wrong things, I will make them feel bad sometimes, I might even give them some sort of complex problem when they are older, but they will always know I love them.  I will tell them every day and every night that I love them.  Then, I will tell them when they wake up and when they go to sleep and I will probably do that until the day I die.  That's a real mother's real job, making sure they know that.

So, my vacation was awesome, I will never catch up and that's great.  We will go on another one and I will get behind again, but I'm going to see some of this beautiful world and share it with my family because that's more important than storage, clean clothes, and a clean floor.