Mom-Shower vs. Dad-Shower

This is mostly for my husband and all the other husbands out there who, like him, sometimes travel for work and come home to a clean house, clean children, and a stinky wife.

You may have seen a really funny post on Facebook or somewhere that explains the differences between the way men shower and the way women shower, it's mostly true.  I don't have link to it, but I should.  It fails to point out the differences between the way mothers and fathers shower so I am going to clear that up for you. 

There are two basic ways that fathers shower.  First, the father may get the luxury of showering while everyone is asleep, say in the morning or late at night.  In this case the father gets to shower however he wants because there is no one awake to bother him.  The second way that the father can shower is while people are awake, if he does this he will say "I am going to shower now."  This is the same as if he were to say "It is now time to pretend I am not in the house and pretend that the bathroom does not exist because I am THE DAD and if you bother me while I am showering you will feel my wrath for the next ten years."  He doesn't have to say all this, he just says "I am going to shower now." and everyone else translates it in their heads automatically.

There are three basic ways the mother showers and they are all significantly different than the father's ways.  First, the mother may take a quick and quiet shower while everyone is asleep, but she will do this with an ear out of the shower in case someone wakes up because this could be catastrophic if others are startled awake by the commotion.  I do not have the guts to do this unless my husband is home. 
Second, the mother may take a shower while showering a child.  This is often a result of whatever happening caused the child to need a shower or the mother has reached the washing point.  That point at which she cannot stand her own smell and has decided that showering while a child pinches her toes is preferable.  She will usually end up with all the children in the shower with her and a huge mess on the bathroom floor.
Third, the mother may take a sneak shower.  This is often done while her husband is home.  She will wait until everyone is occupied at some seemingly harmless and time consuming task, then she will quietly stop folding laundry and sneak in the shower.  Here are some likely scenarios:
1.Mother turns on the water, someone comes in bleeding, mother turns off the water sighing.
2.Mother turns on the water, multiple people come in to the room asking to shower, mother washes them and turns off the water sighing.
3.Mother turns on the water, husband enters the room, "Are you really going to shower now?" Mother turns off the water sighing.
4.Mother turns on the water, no one comes in the room, she gets in the shower, still no one, she puts the shampoo on her hair, door slams open, someone is bleeding.  Mother turns off the water sighing.
5.Mother turns on the water, no one comes in the room, she gets in the shower, still no one, she washes her hair, she shaves one leg, as she starts the other one she hears crying and screaming.  She turns off the water sighing.
6.Mother turns on the water, no one comes in the room, she showers, washes everything and shaves her legs, she gets out, she dries off, she goes in the kitchen to find every single dish dirty and mud on the floor and towels in a pile.  When she is done cleaning the mess she needs a shower.

So when my husband gets home after a week of travel and asks why I haven't showered since he left I say "I'm a coward."  Now when you see me and I stink you know why.